You love garden gnomes? I love garden gnomes!

Our only bathroom is in a chaotic state of remodel right now, prompting a Home Depot run last night for molding and paint. While waiting at the paint counter, I saw two men approach the department, deep in conversation. The shorter man was chubbier, and with his blonde hair, ruddy cheeks and bright blue eyes, he could have been the love child of Julie Andrews and comedian Jim Gaffigan. The taller, dark haired man seemed familiar and I placed him as the nice cashier I had around Easter time at the Dollar Store. When I married Brandon, I instantly became the cool aunt to three nephews and a niece. One of the official duties of the cool aunt is to shower them endlessly with sugar-laden gifts and the grossest, most absolutely revolting toys I can find for the boys. Fortunately, my niece despises those sticky balls you squeeze to see bugs, eyeballs and other disgusting internal organs squirt out. It was close to closing time at the store when I checked out, I remember, and the man must have been tired but he was extremely friendly. We talked about our nephews and nieces and somehow got on the subject of gardening. He told me how his partner had an obsession with garden gnomes and that they had 20 - 30 of them around their house and garden.

When I got home that night, I remember telling Brandon about the affable man at the store and his boyfriend’s garden gnome obsession. What struck me most is that the man felt no qualms in telling me about his “partner” - he didn’t worry that I would recoil in disgust nor did he seem to fear repercussion for his job should the customer be homophobic. In lieu of wedding gifts, Brandon and I asked folks to donate to Freedom to Marry, which advocates for gay marriage; it’s a cause we are both in support of, especially now that we ourselves enjoy the many economic and legal benefits of wedded bliss. I am a magnet for weird folk; really, I could dedicate a whole blog to the odd and eclectic people who manage to find me. So, maybe my general aura is one that exudes sheer hippieness and this man sensed I wouldn’t be revolted by the thought of him with another man. But still, the fact that this man felt completely open to relate stories of me and my husband with that of him and his boyfriend reassures me our entire culture hasn’t been hijacked by the religious right.

The man’s boyfriend seemed to be in distress, wandering about the paint section aimlessly, throwing his hands up in agitated despair. He looked at several booklets and compared paint chips and samples. Finally he approached me, pointing to a sage green color in a book and asked, “Ma’am, could you tell me if this is a weird color for the outside of a house?”

“Why, no,” I replied. “I think that’s a great color and…. I think it would probably go really well with garden gnomes.”

The man’s blue eyes instantly lit up. His face erupted into what I can only call a state of orgasmic bliss. “Really!” he exclaimed. ” I LOVE garden gnomes!” It was like Moses accepting himself as a Hebrew - “I will dwell in this land…”

His innocent exuberance was near painful so I gave up my game and explained to him the previous encounter I had with his boyfriend, who was standing behind him red-faced and doubled over in laughter. My husband walked up about this time and we relayed the whole exchange to him, prompting another round of laughter. Later, we passed them as we headed for the checkout counter and I heard the taller man laughingly telling the whole story again to someone on his cell phone. I’m sure it’s one story they’ll be telling for weeks to come.

Filed under The Weird, Personal |