Aug
6
2009
I got an email today from one of my contacts, a chief of police, who frequently sends me photos and press releases to be published in our edition. This email, also sent to all the township trustees and other media folk, was kind of odd however. It asked only: “What do you do when life hands you lemons”
Odd emails call for odd replies, so I wrote back: “Emasculate your cat, of course” and attached this picture.
Feb
10
2009
Just a few random observations from the past week…
- It always promises to be an interesting class when the prof admits she’s hung over.
- The city once known as Porkopolis is now encouraging residents to eat, well, less pork (and other meat).
- If you park on the sidewalk, Newport Police will ticket you.
- Bunnies love cherry-flavored pediatric medicine.
- RuPaul out of drag (and wearing glasses) looks a lot like Cincinnati Mayor Mark Malllory.
Jan
14
2009
Brandon and I perused the aisles at the local Blockbuster Friday night trying to find a couple of flicks that might be remotely worth two hours of our time. We were both in the mood for a scary movie, but pickings were slim. We decided on “The Zombie Diaries,” knowing full well that it would most likely turn out to be a comedy than a horror film (worse, it was neither). We had a laugh over one of the reviews on the back cover, which was attributed to www.eatmybrains.com. I hadn’t realized that people got that into zombie flicks. I was wrong.
I’m working out of a local coffeehouse near campus and parked on the street behind it. Here’s the house I parked across from. The bars on the window add an authentic touch, I think.
Jun
27
2008
Being a mobile journalist has its perks. I can work from home in my pajamas or from my “satellite” offices (a.k.a. coffee houses with free wifi) in the communities I cover. I absolutely hate being confined to a cubicle eight hours a day, so the freedom is great. But sadly, it also means that I miss out on such zany office-themed events as Crazy No-Pants Day. Here’s an email one of the editors just sent out:
To: News Users
Subject: WHO LOST THEIR PANTS?A pair of pants — with belt — found its way to right behind my chair. If they are yours — or if you see someone walking around without pants — let me know.
It kind of puts a whole new spin on Casual Fridays.
May
2
2008
Our only bathroom is in a chaotic state of remodel right now, prompting a Home Depot run last night for molding and paint. While waiting at the paint counter, I saw two men approach the department, deep in conversation. The shorter man was chubbier, and with his blonde hair, ruddy cheeks and bright blue eyes, he could have been the love child of Julie Andrews and comedian Jim Gaffigan. The taller, dark haired man seemed familiar and I placed him as the nice cashier I had around Easter time at the Dollar Store. When I married Brandon, I instantly became the cool aunt to three nephews and a niece. One of the official duties of the cool aunt is to shower them endlessly with sugar-laden gifts and the grossest, most absolutely revolting toys I can find for the boys. Fortunately, my niece despises those sticky balls you squeeze to see bugs, eyeballs and other disgusting internal organs squirt out. It was close to closing time at the store when I checked out, I remember, and the man must have been tired but he was extremely friendly. We talked about our nephews and nieces and somehow got on the subject of gardening. He told me how his partner had an obsession with garden gnomes and that they had 20 – 30 of them around their house and garden.
When I got home that night, I remember telling Brandon about the affable man at the store and his boyfriend’s garden gnome obsession. What struck me most is that the man felt no qualms in telling me about his “partner” – he didn’t worry that I would recoil in disgust nor did he seem to fear repercussion for his job should the customer be homophobic. In lieu of wedding gifts, Brandon and I asked folks to donate to Freedom to Marry, which advocates for gay marriage; it’s a cause we are both in support of, especially now that we ourselves enjoy the many economic and legal benefits of wedded bliss. I am a magnet for weird folk; really, I could dedicate a whole blog to the odd and eclectic people who manage to find me. So, maybe my general aura is one that exudes sheer hippieness and this man sensed I wouldn’t be revolted by the thought of him with another man. But still, the fact that this man felt completely open to relate stories of me and my husband with that of him and his boyfriend reassures me our entire culture hasn’t been hijacked by the religious right.
The man’s boyfriend seemed to be in distress, wandering about the paint section aimlessly, throwing his hands up in agitated despair. He looked at several booklets and compared paint chips and samples. Finally he approached me, pointing to a sage green color in a book and asked, “Ma’am, could you tell me if this is a weird color for the outside of a house?”
“Why, no,” I replied. “I think that’s a great color and…. I think it would probably go really well with garden gnomes.”
The man’s blue eyes instantly lit up. His face erupted into what I can only call a state of orgasmic bliss. “Really!” he exclaimed. ” I LOVE garden gnomes!” It was like Moses accepting himself as a Hebrew – “I will dwell in this land…”
His innocent exuberance was near painful so I gave up my game and explained to him the previous encounter I had with his boyfriend, who was standing behind him red-faced and doubled over in laughter. My husband walked up about this time and we relayed the whole exchange to him, prompting another round of laughter. Later, we passed them as we headed for the checkout counter and I heard the taller man laughingly telling the whole story again to someone on his cell phone. I’m sure it’s one story they’ll be telling for weeks to come.
Mar
10
2008
After Brandon proposed, we initially planned to have a ceremony here in Cincinnati, where I had already lined up a local Buddhist woman to officiate. Then we decided to elope on Mackinac Island, Mich. where ministers, let alone lesbian Buddhist ministers, are a relative scarcity. Overall, we were really pleased with the minister we chose, who agreed to do a lovely non-religious ceremony in which we read our own vows. The minister was really just a formality, so it didn’t even bother me when he flubbed and accidentally inserted the whole “What god has put together…” line we had agreed beforehand to omit.
But if I had our wedding to do all over again, I’d totally ask Kathy Griffin to officiate.
The often provocative comedian – who raised some Christian groups’ hackles by joking about Jesus while accepting an Emmy Award last September – became ordained through an online church to officiate Saturday at the New York wedding of two fans, Brian Anstey and Elka Shapiro.
Griffin said she was ordained online by the Universal Life Church and completed additional paperwork to meet New York State requirements. But she insisted her role in the wedding was a one-night-only performance.
Maybe a renewal of our wedding vows is in order.
Jan
22
2008
Yeah, so I’m featured in The New York Times and the Chicago Tribune today.
Here’s the weird part: In my other blog, I used an image from a 1954 Pillsbury ad of a little girl enjoying a big piece of cake in the header graphic. The now 61-year old woman tracked down the Times reporter and contacted me, surprised to see her young image splashed on The New York Times.
I mean, what are the chances, right? I emailed her back and asked if I could do an interview with her via phone or email.
Kate Harding, who was also interviewed in the Times story, got an invitation to appear on The Today Show tomorrow to talk about fat acceptance. Unfortunately, it appears as if the tragic and untimely death of actor Heath Ledger has changed the show’s scheduling plans.
Sigh… I’ve been in secret love with Heath Ledger since Megan and I watched “10 Things I Hate About You” (which we saw about 20 times, btw – love that movie). Most recently, Brandon and I watched “Candy,” starring Ledger and Abbie Cornish. Most tragically of all, Ledger leaves behind an infant daughter.
Why couldn’t this happen to someone like, say, Ashton Kutcher?
Oct
8
2007
A Florida man is facing a judge and jury for the high crime of feeding homeless people. Eric Montanez, 22, was caught feeding a group in Lake Eola Park earlier this year, violating Orlando’s ban on mass feeding in one area.
“The law itself should be illegal. Feeding people should not be criminalized. Being poor should not be criminalized,” Montanez said.
The city says it plans to posthumously prosecute Jesus next.
Nov
11
2006
The time change isn’t the only difference between southern Kentucky and well, the rest of modern civilization.
Take for instance, the flea market sporting a 20 foot tall Indian frozen forever in a Heil Hitler! salute.
Or the sorry, near-sighted pink elephant grasping a martini in his paint-chipped trunk.
And who can possibly resist the allure of Dinosaur World with over 100 lifesize dinosaurs?
See these and more photos from our trip on our gallery page.
Sep
26
2006
It’s always when I least expect it that the crazies strike.
Standing in line with my can of wild diet cherry Pepsi and vanilla Pria bar in the crowded mini-mart at UC, I was thinking of peppermint pigs and alpacas when the man behind me cleared his throat.
“Excuse me,” he said, and then in the same intonation as if he were asking me the weather. “Have you ever seen a flock of pigeons that think they can scare you?”
I turned around, coming face-to-face with a rather sporty looking guy, perhaps in his mid-20s or so. Wearing a UC Bearcats shirt and hat, he looked very much like the kind of boy I’d normally avoid and who’d normally avoid me: the Bearcat rah rah tootin’ frat boy whose greatest accomplishment is that he can bong a beer in 30 seconds.
At a loss for what to say in this situation I nodded and smiled, mentally granting him the label “creepy guy.” I suppose I, too, have earned an equally unfortunate label many times in the past and so feigned mild interest.
“No,” I said. “Have you??
“Yeah,” he nodded, his eyes growing wide. He stepped closer towards me with a very serious look on his face.
“In Dayton. A bunch of em’ swooped down. It was like The Birds or something,” he said and laughed haltingly.
After a chaotic day at the office coupled with a feminist theory class, my mind was as sharp as a tack dragged along the asphalt for a few miles. I was still digesting the image of attack pigeons when he went on.
“I swear,” he continued. “I think every mean person in Cincinnati is reincarnated as a pigeon.”
I briefly considered engaging him in further conversation about killer reincarnated pigeons, but my freak radar blipped furiously and I held my tongue. After having learned (painfully in some instances) to start taking subtle warnings from the cosmos, I yanked in my conversation welcome mat and stepped up to the counter to pay.
Creepy guy continued muttering as I began walking away and I felt an obligation to offer a conclusion to the weird passage I had costarred in.
“Umm… Beware of the pigeons,” I called.
“Yeah,” he said, with a toothy grin. “You too.”
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